And so it seems the only thing I have been able to consistently learn throughout my 22 years here has been that I only really learn who I am and what I am capable of when I am ripped of all my layers, whatever protection and comfort I have acquired, and forced to face the world alone. Unfortunately that is not always something I am looking for when it happens. Lets face it, I never want it to happen.
After spending two days glued to my bed, looking for courage and grace, experiencing every single individual tear, ache and test of my character...I am ready to say that I may just be the person that I have always been trying to be. I think it took all the events that have occurred so far in my life to bring me to a place where I am ready to accept myself for who I am and expect others to let me be. But that is always where I have failed myself. And that is tragic. To realize that I am the only person in the world who truly suffers from me not standing up for myself, for demanding that I be appreciated and respected for exactly what I am.
A real friend told me today that this is just a journey I need to do on my own...and you know, she is right. Certain obstacles I am faced with are mine and mine alone. I have always confused that with feeling stranded and alone. I guess that is what I realized today...if I can find the strength to love myself, and be patient with the world, I can open myself up to the world, to others, and love them, without them taking anything away from me when and if they go.
To those of you who always find the strength and love to stay; thank you. Without you, I would be without faith and hope.
Well, that is how I feel for now. I guess we'll see about tomorrow, tomorrow. I'd really like to stay right here, right now.
Today I am thankful for:
all of the other sensies in the world, in particular Ingrid. You all help me to know I am not alone, I am not crazy and this is a gift I was meant to learn from and share:
Ps. The preceding exposure was the thing I did today that truly scares me. Please be kind.